KELLY OXFORD IS...


A wunderkind producer of pirated stage productions for six-year-olds

An underage schnitzel house dishwasher

A born salesman

Capable of willing her eyesight to be 20/20

The girl who peed her pants in the gas station that one time

Totally an expert on strep throat

Incapable of making Leonardo DiCaprio her boyfriend

A writer

A certified therapy assistant who heals with Metallica mixtapes

"Not fat enough to be super snuggly." - Bea, age four

"Bitingly funny. But everybody knows that." - Roger Ebert

Sad that David Copperfield doesn't own a falcon


... A terrible liar


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IN STORES 4/2/2013